I remember as a child feeling so much pride that I could finally fast a whole day of Ramadan and the joy and peace that surrounded every fast-breaking meal, prayer with my family, and community Eid (fast-breaking festival) after the month ended. I carried this joy and excitement for Ramadan into adulthood.
But for all the joy I had for the month, there was a nocturnal face of guilt and shame when I could not fast.
Fasting is one of the main displays of worship and sacrifice during the month of Ramadan and adhering to the fast is a source of pride, accomplishment, and acceptance into the fold of adulthood. Today marks the first day of the sacred month of Ramadan for Muslim people around the globe. Observing the month of Ramadan includes increased worship, increased reading of the Qur’an, and abstention from a variety of things during daylight hours, most notably, food and drink.
Though this writing will not be an education on the circumstances and religious rulings around the inability to fast during Ramadan (this information is easily accessible elsewhere), it is a message, and hopefully a healing, to those who also have shared the guilt and shame of not fasting and to those who judge them harshly.
First, for those who make moralistic judgments about the non-fasters, my only message to you is this:
“Mind. Your. Business.”
We have enough people in everyone’s business these days. We don’t need more. I assure you; the “Society of Judgy Individuals” won’t miss you at the membership meeting. You don’t know why a person is not fasting (male or female), and frankly, it is none of your business. If you see someone eating or drinking during the day, suspend your judgment and give them grace and space. Make up 70 reasons in your head of why they’re not fasting if you need to do this to keep your mouth shut and to unfurrow your brow. Be a compassionate presence in the sea of cruelty. Trust me, your body and spirit will thank you for it (Fun Fact: Compassion benefits your own physical, mental, and spiritual health. Read more about compassion here).
Now, for my beloveds who can’t fast, my message to you is this:
“Hold yourself in the same compassionate regard that you would extend a hurt child.”
That hurt child was all of us at some point. That wounded child still lives in you. They are in the inner recesses of your mind and cause knee-jerk reactions with the resurgence of pain, shame, and guilt. Every time someone judges and shames you now, even at your adult “big age”, your brain remembers how hurt you felt when that happened in childhood. These emotions usually trigger the “Fight-Flight-Freeze-Fawn” cycle, courtesy of the stress hormones they evoke. To save themselves from the threat of guilt, shame, and judgment, that inner child sends an S.O.S. to your amygdala which signals your hypothalamus to message the autonomic nervous system. Then, your sympathetic nervous system is thrown into a complete tailspin, as you surge with the hormones adrenaline and noradrenaline.
These chemical reactions stemming from emotional stress keep us stuck in our need for safety and security, and cloud or often preclude our ability to transcend into higher-order emotions and functions, like love, joy, compassion, authenticity, creativity, self-worth, intuition, and connection to ourselves, others, and the Almighty. These stressors essentially keep us away from the very emotions needed to heal and deepen our relationship with the Creator (the core reason for fasting in the first place, right?).
So, how can you elicit a state of self-compassion and calm your nervous system to get the most out of the month of Ramadan (whether fasting or not)? I have one science-supported “Spiritual Superpower” for you to try this month. There are other practices to try, which we will get to later, but this one thing can change your life quickly and immediately.
Spiritual Superpower: Gratitude
Gratitude is not just about saying “thank you” when someone does something nice for you. Gratitude is not about comparisons to others and looking at someone who is not doing well and thinking “glad that’s not me.” It is a deeply engrained sense of appreciation for our lives, our gifts, and our challenges.
Gratitude has been shown to strengthen us spiritually, psychologically, emotionally, and socially. Gratitude biologically disrupts the guilt-shame dichotomy. Gratitude and guilt-shame hold different emotional and spiritual frequencies and activate different chemicals in the brain. As mentioned, guilt and shame trigger stress responses in the amygdala portion of the brain. Gratitude on the other hand, calms the amygdala by releasing the “feel good” chemicals dopamine and serotonin, making you feel happier and more connected to your spiritual center and to other people. Gratitude helps us become resilient against grief, depression, anxiety, and hopelessness. Gratitude has many physical benefits such as lowering blood pressure, curbing overeating, improving sleep, and boosting the immune system. Gratitude increases our social capital as it boosts patience, self-confidence, and the ability to forgive.
Concluding Message for the Non-Fasters and Fasters
Take time to think, write, speak, and practice gratitude this Ramadan to deepen your self-compassion and compassion for others and to get the most out of your worship, whether that includes fasting from food and drink or not. Use the resources in this article to begin cultivating your Spiritual Superpower today. Check out some Quranic themes on gratitude for reference as you read the Qur’an this month.
Ramadan Mubarak! Blessed Ramadan!
With gratitude,
Dr. Farah
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